Constipation

Let’s face it. Nothing boosts your self confidence like taking a huge shit all on your own. Some of your proudest moments have been on your way out of the bathroom. These tips are designed to get you shitting your best and ultimately, feeling your best. Get rid of constipation and achieve the After-Shit Glow on the regular.

 

1. Get a gravity colonic. 
Get the shit out quickly and effectively via a gravity colonic. Whether or not it’s me you hire to clean your ass, make sure it’s a gravity method colonic, which is the most natural method available. And if you’re not shy about sticking things up your ass, you may also want to try administering an enema at home to loosen things up.

2. Take a magnesium supplement.
Many of my clients benefit tremendously from taking a magnesium supplement in the evening. Much of our food is depleted of this stool-softening mineral.

3. Chew your food.
The process of mastication kicks off your digestion. Technically, enzymes in your saliva are breaking down the starch in your food and the your entire system reacts via gastrocolic reflex, which is basically the urge to take a dump. This includes beverages. Ever wonder why you get gassy after ingesting one of those fresh veggie juices? You probably chugged it down and didn’t take a moment to taste it, allowing your salivary enzymes to break it down.

4. Eat breakfast.
Breakfast, for all shit intensive purposes, is the most important meal of the day. By ingesting something 30 minutes to an hour upon rising, you are starting your engines. The perfect breakfast is one that will get you skipping to your loo. If you’re not a “breakfast person,” then just drink something. For some, a good quality cup of coffee will do. Other options are a tall glass of water, warm/cold water with lemon and Kal stevia, or a green smoothie. For my breakfast people, the best way to start your day is with fresh, seasonal, enzyme-rich fruit. Enzymes are your best friends when it comes to shitting because they basically help break down the food hanging out in your intestines. The raw fiber in the fruit then sweeps the shit on out. Eating fruits in season ensures you are getting the optimum enzymes available.

5. Don’t use traditional laxatives.
This includes senna and psyllium husk, both of which are very harsh. Try pure aloe vera pills (not the nasty expensive juice they sell at the health food market). Make sure there are no added stimulants such as fennel seed. Now Foods Aloe Vera Gels has been a godsend for many of my clients.

6. Eat/drink lots and lots of olive oil!
Olive oil won’t make you fat, it will make you shit. To me, there is almost nothing better than a good quality Spanish or Italian olive oil. Hopefully, you love it as much as I do because olive oil is one of the best ways to grease your engines. Drench your salad and veggies in this beautiful oil and even drink a teaspoon before bed along with a magnesium supplement. Olive oil with get your skin and your shit glowing. You may even live forever.

7. Stay hydrated.
First and foremost, you should be drinking filtered tap water, not bottled water. The amount of pharmaceuticals and chemicals running through our tap water may be constipating you and you simply cannot trust the source of bottled water or the BPA plastic bottles it is encased in. (Watch the documentary, Flow on Netflix). I am the proud owner of a Berkey Water Filter System.

If water doesn’t seem to be doing the trick, try the shit beverage of all shit beverages: flax seed (linseed) tea. If you drink two to three cups of this a day, you will have great hair, smooth skin and golden shits. Drinking water is great and all, but some of our systems need a little help absorbing the water. The only thing I get out of drinking lots of water is lots of piss. The slippery gelatinous texture of linseed tea allows the water to soften the stool in your system and encourage a movement. I learned this trick from some Venezuelen chick I used to work with who actually used this as a weight loss method. Yes, she lost a ton of shit. You basically boil 2 tablespoons of flax seeds in 2-3 pints of water for an hour, strain the seeds and sip throughout the day. If the flavor is too nutty for you, add a little honey or stevia.

8.Get into Bitters.
Yup, you’ve seen them at the bar. Herbal bitters are highly underrated. Take a shot before or after a heavy meal to fire up your digestive engines. A favorite of mine is German brand, Underberg’s Digestive Bitters.

9. Get into fermented foods.
Fermented foods contain beneficial bacteria for your internal environment. These include pickles, kimchi, sauerkraut and miso. Many cultures eat fermented foods before a meal on an empty stomach to kick off digestion. This also allows you to absorb the nutrients of your food and to shit regularly. My latest obsession is miso soup. A good friend of mine was raised on a macrobiotic diet because her mother cured herself of epilepsy through diet. They began every meal with miso soup because the healthy bacteria and enzymes in the miso would prep their system for digestion. She advised that it is important to make sure to use an organic brown miso and that the water is not boiling as it will kill miso’s health properties. I find making a miso broth (one teaspoon of miso in a cup of warm water) to be something easy and healthy, yet filling and comforting at work.

10. Only eat when you’re hungry.
Why create a traffic jam? You don’t need to be hungry at breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday. Listen to your body, not Kellogg’s cereal marketing schemes.

11. When you haven’t shit for days, eat baby food.
No one shits better than these little creatures because their food requires minimal effort to digest. When my clients feel especially backed up, I recommend that they eat foods that resemble baby food such as butternut squash or carrot soup, green smoothies, sweet potatoes, and bananas. An easy last resort would be buying actual baby food. I would stay away from any of the meat products (I taste tested chicken apple compote flavor and ended up feeding it to the dog), but Baby’s First Pears and Bananas are fucking delicious.

12. Take a chlorophyll supplement to mask any sort of body odor. 
I always keep a stock of Nature’s Way Chlorofresh Chlorophyll Concentrate (Internal Deodorant) at home and when traveling. A client of mine told me she always eats two of these if she knows she is going to have a meal with a lot of garlic the night before her Soul Cycle class. Another client told me this stuff really helped her pubescent son with his tremendous body odor. I can attest that this helps with foul breath and fart odor after an Indian meal when taken right before the meal. Only use as needed and prepare yourself for green shits.

13. Stop taking painkillers and/or antibiotics in excess.
It is without a doubt that painkillers and antibiotics make you constipated. Work with your doctor to get you on the smallest dosage possible.

14. Exercise.
Nothing gets rid of gas faster than an activity that uses your core muscles. If you’re regularly feeling bloated and/or constipated, address your level of inactivity. Are you walking enough each day? Just a 30 minute fast-paced walk should help get things moving.

15. Address your stress and anxiety.
It is scientifically proven that stress and anxiety/depression affect your bowels negatively. Sometimes, constipation has more to do with some level of emotional constipation, not necessarily what you’re eating. Find a professional therapist or someone you trust to discuss your problems with.

Disclaimer: I’m not a doctor, just a plumber of sorts. Please consult with your doctor first.